On the future in the States

I was on my now daily routine at Slimmer's Gym, Binondo this morning when Aku Lyndon called. I was, in fact, towards the end of may daily exercises, my mind was preoccupied with a variety of things. I was waiting for a friend to come, though she never quite did, and the news on CNN was revolving around the marking of the first 100 days in office of Obama, a man whose news always interests me. So I was undisturbed by the call, and only until later, when I had passed on the call to my mother was I able to talk to him.

You see, it has always been a general plan of action that I'd go to the United States to further my studies one day. In fact, that had been the general plan of action for quite some time, ever since I had just ended my stay in Saint Jude High School. Not that it ever actually led anywhere, mind you. And there were scattered talks with my Aku Lyndon and Ee Olive about it, but they were always on the rare occasion. It never really completely registered.

But one day, in the office of Indigo, where I am currently undergoing OJT (and where I am currently typing this as of the moment), I managed to research, at the behest of my Ee Olive, the top U.S. schools in terms of Environmental Engineering.

That wasn't for me, of course. It's for my cousin, Jian, with whom Ee Olive seems determined not to waste the opportunity. She plans on sending him to the states, and for some time the the ideas was that I'd be with him to do my own studies. It's a win-win situation, really. He gets to study his bachelor's degree there, and I my master's.

I found that Berkley seemed to be the top choice in Environmental Engineering, and what more it was in California, the state I had always thought to be my most likely choice. This was a good sign, and I was excited. I immediately sent the details to Ee Olive, who as my mother later on informed me was thrilled with my suggestion.

I also looked up universities for myself, and found myself torn between The Academy of Arts in San Francisco and Calarts in Los Angeles County, both of which is in California (although The Academy is much closer to Berkley).

The Academy seems the more obvious choice, it's bigger and seems more talked about. But Calarts seems to have some mighty fine alumni that includes Tim Burton and even John Lasseter (Pixar director). What more it was on an actual campus. Truthfully, I've always wanted to study in a sprawling university campus. I just wanted that feeling of being in a wide area filled with trees and aging buildings that always had an aura of importance and knowledge. The feeling alone would be indescribable. But being in La Salle I was deprived of such an experience, and should I choose the Academy, which is basically a slew of buildings within the city proper, I would yet miss my opportunity, probably the last one.

Still, back to that phone call. It was Aku Lyndon, inquiring on the location of The Academy. After telling him, he seemed very pleased by the fact. At first he seemed skeptical that it was situated within the city, but after a while he admitted that he had wanted to buy a small property there but never had a good reason to, that was until now.

It was only then, I suppose, that the reality of the situation truly hit me, hard. I only had a year left in La Salle, a year left in life here. I had always, as a child, dreamed of the things I'd do as an adult, I was even impatient. But now that I am thithering on the edge of it, I find myself unsure and even nostalgic. All of a sudden I don't want change, I don't want progress. I would not normally mind, but I know that whatever happens, should I go to the States, things will never be the same again. And should I come back, things will be remarkably different. My current life will die out, and a new, uncertain one will take over and that scares the hell out of me.

I've thought of this before, of course. Ever since I suspected I might end up abroad the thought crossed my mind from time to time. I always quickly dismissed it, it was, after all, not a sure thing. But now it seems it might very well happen. That is both exciting and worrying.

So now I'll research some more on the schools, I'm a bit pumped up and excited. But there's still that nagging voice at the back of my head that tells me I have to be scared. And I am scared, I'm scared like hell. But it's life, you have to move on even if you don't want to. And that fact haunts me to sleep every night.